The Variables Of Laundry

Back in the days when human kind dwelled in caves and were convinced that fire was a pretty cool thing, the actual cleanliness of the animal skins that we wrapped ourselves in was not a big issue. The idea of neatness probably started by watching cats. After a good, stout session of cleaning, they tended not to smell quite so bad. Soon after we experimented with banging our wet clothing against rocks at the local stream as a primitive laundry technique. The women found some success using this method, the men got bored and eventually started throwing the rocks at each other. This, I am convinced, was the birth of warfare. As the centuries went on we continued to fine-tune the science of washing clothes. The results were always predictable though. When the washboard was invented women perspired and toiled making us stronger and stain free, men strapped them to their chests, found a friend with a jug and invented country music. Eventually, after several years of evolution and transition large containers were constructed that one could simply place their soiled clothes in, add a powdered mixture of soap, and this marvelous invention would do all of the work for you.

Women of course, marveled at this and proclaimed it to be the end of dirt as a whole, men on the other hand discovered you couldn’t play baseball or rugby on it, or watch the Giants football game, so they ignored this testament to modern technology. As a women, I’m not quite sure women have fully conceptualized the depth of male apathy for the act of doing laundry.

To the female of the human species, the ideal of what is “April Fresh” is indeed very different. For us gals, it is that fresh, springtime scent that comes from your clothes after some time in the dryer with Bounce, or another wonderful fabric softener. For the guys it has more to do with April, the head cheerleader, and how many times she has been around the proverbial block. Despite these differences in interpretation regarding exactly who and what April is and exactly what defines her as fresh, we do live in a civilized and clean world, for the most part. If one is going to get a job, find a date, avoid the Ebola virus, or just keep mom off of your back long enough for you to call April, some quality time in the laundry room is a must.

For those men who still look at the Laundromat with the same wonder and confusion as the folks who accidentally created Silly Putty, here are a few basic rules to follow that will help you survive this entire experience… 

Number one…Face it— you will lose socks. No one knows why or how, but if you place 10 socks in the dryer, you will inevitable be left with either 9 or 7. Do not go in after them. They are gone. Don’t try to come up with theories on what has happened to them. Better men than you are now sharing a room with a man in a sleeveless white jacket discussing the connection between the disappearance of said sock, and the invention of a ‘Star Trek’ like, teleportal device. Number two… The dryer is not a toy. Only clothing should be put in it. Water balloons, home electronics, bottles of carbonated liquid, and any sort of explosives have no place in the dryer.

Number three… If you start putting your whites in with your colors, remain clueless and act extremely vulnerable, a woman will invariably come to your aid. If you play this card right, not only will she wind up doing all of your laundry, freeing you up to play a video game at the arcade next door, but you may also get her phone number, begin dating her, and con her into doing your laundry until she realizes you’re a big schmuck— thus dumping you for a handsome stud named Brett, who knows the spin cycle is not that thing the Tasmanian Devil does when he gets really mad.

I have just exhausted my knowledge on the subject of laundry. Learn from this wisdom and remember the key to clean laundry is always being aware of the need for detergent.


~ by upbeatmag on January 6, 2009.

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